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Illustration: SPAZZ

SEAN PLUMMER EXPLAINS WHY PARIS HILTON IS WHOEVER YOU WANT HER TO BE

"I am going to kill Paris Hilton." It's not likely that Black Eyed Peas singer Fergie was serious when she broadcast this threat via MTV News. Like many of Ms. Hilton's acquaintances, Fergie had been the recipient of countless crank calls after the infamous socialite's T-Mobile Sidekick® II (the "ultimate communication device" according to its manufacturer) was hacked in late February and its contents published on the Internet. Still, maybe she was.

A lot of people do seem to dislike Paris Hilton - and not just the starlets and rock stars whose privacy she inadvertently breached. TV critics, cultural commentators and the unaccountable masses lurking in cyberspace have conspired to pick over the 24-year-old heiress's every action, statement and fashion choice like vultures feasting on the carcass of a newly-dead calf. South Park creators Matt Stone and Trey Parker lampooned Hilton's celeb sex tape fiasco on an episode sensitively titled 'Stupid Spoiled Whore Video Playset'. Globe And Mail newspaper columnist Lynn Crosbie made her feelings for Hilton clear in a recent column when she remarked on the Sidekick incident: "I was excited to see what the contents of the phone had revealed, as I have always wondered how many ways the statement "I am a shocking idiot" can be modified or restated." Less eruditely but more succinctly, online poster Lilly wrote on iVillage.com: "SHE EATS POO."

So why all this hate? Ascribe much of it to simple jealousy. Paris is young (24), rich (her family's wealth is estimated to exceed US$300 million) and, despite online comments like "she looks like a bird," she is, in many people's eyes, pretty. Frequent tabloid reports detailing her alleged narcissism, stupidity and offhand cruelty only provide her critics with further ammunition.

Then there is the frequent observation, however redundant, that Ms. Hilton is famous for being famous. This galls people. Wealth and celebrity have long been coveted by those who have neither, and Paris was born into both - no work or sacrifice required. Like the Kennedys in the Sixties, the massively wealthy and powerful, and especially their offspring (think Paris, her sister Nicky, the Bush sisters and the other debutantes who grace Vogue's society pages), act as America's de facto royal family - except there is an unspoken understanding Stateside, however unlikely, that, with hard work and determination, you too can become one of them, regardless of race or class. It's called the American Dream.

But if she is so hated, why do 10,600,000 entries pop up when you enter "Paris Hilton" into the Yahoo.com search engine? Why does Film Magic, an online photo agency, have 2,665 images of her for sale? Why is she Playboy's Sex Star of the Year? Why is The Simple Life, the scripted reality show she co-stars in with best friend Nicole Richie, in its third season? How did she land a co-starring role in the upcoming Warner Bros. horror film House of Wax and a major label record deal that will see her debut album come out sometime this year? And why are you reading this article?

Could it be because she's not hated? Could it be that she is admired? Maybe even liked? It's a radical argument, I know, but I've come neither to praise Paris Hilton, nor to bury her, merely to report on what I see. And what I see is sustained public interest, multiple magazine covers, envy, fascination, and a deep desire on the part of the public to both live vicariously through her and to take her to task for the seeming emptiness of her glamorous life - regardless of the fact that exorbitant wealth and the freedom to do what one wants when one wants is everyone's dream. The fact that Hilton's multiple ventures (acting, modelling, launching various businesses) are completely unnecessary - she doesn't have to work a day in her life should she so choose - while not worthy of congratulations, should at least not be the subject of ridicule.

That Paris Hilton might actually be a human being worthy of love and tolerance is a concept that has rarely been floated. Her public image as a vacuous, selfish party girl contrasts with the private Paris gleaned from the many personal moments made public by the tabloids and those close to her. Britain's Heat magazine published a note Hilton wrote to now ex-boyfriend Nick Carter, a member of the Backstreet Boys. It reads in part: "I really believe that you and me have an opportunity to be as happy as any two people could ever possibly be. That's why if I could have one wish, it would be for you to never stop loving me. Because no matter what comes along, if we just keep our love strong there's nothing that could tear us apart. I love you forever, love P."

Easy to dismiss, yes, but further proof of Paris Hilton's essential humanity reveals itself, however ironically, in 1 Night In Paris, the sex tape made public by her morally compromised ex Rick Salomon. Brian Nicholson of DVDtalk.com remarks in his review: "Paris comes off as sweet...although very naive, and she reminded me of every girl I dated when I was younger when she kept asking Rick to just tell her that he loved her."

That may not be hot, but it is human.

Born: February 17, 1981, New York NY
Family: Paris is the great-granddaughter of Conrad Hilton, the founder of the Hilton chain; sister of Nicky; and daughter of Rick and Kathy Hilton
Has modelled for: Tommy Hilfiger, Joey and T, Richard Tyler and Jeremy Scott, Marc Bouwer and Catherine Malandrino
Catch phrase: "That's hot!"
Shoe size: 11
Car: Continental GT Bentley (worth US$200,000)
Paris, along with her sister Nicky, designed a high-end collection of purses for Tokyo label Samantha Thavasa

2001

Makes a cameo appearance in the Ben Stiller comedy film Zoolander

2003

A sex tape recorded by her ex-lover Rick Salomon surfaces online shortly before her reality TV series, The Simple Life, debuts on Fox. The subsequent DVD, 1 Night In Paris, follows.

2004

Hustler publishes photos of Paris kissing a brunette in a nightclub
Second season of The Simple Life:Road Trip launches in June
Paris is named the Guess? girl for Fall 2004

Releases the book Confessions of an Heiress: A Tongue-In-Chic Peek Behind The Pose (Fireside) to critical infamy
South Park broadcasts 'Stupid Spoiled Whore Video Playset' December 1
Launches Club Paris with entrepreneur Fred Khalilian in Orlando, Florida

2005

Playboy names her Sex Star of the Year (March 2005 issue)
The Simple Life: Interns premieres in late January
Hilton has her T-Mobile Sidekick® II hacked. The contents - including cell numbers for Vin Diesel and Lindsay Lohan, as well as topless pictures of Hilton kissing MTV Latin America VJ Eglantina Zingg - are published on the Internet.
Stars in the films House of Wax (out May 6) and Pledge This!
Scheduled to release her debut album, tentatively titled either That's Hot or Paris Is Burning. Rumoured tracks include covers of Blondie's 'Heart of Glass' and David Bowie's 'Fame'. "They're really hot tracks," she told MTV News. Collaborators may include Lil Jon, JC Chasez and Green Day producer Rob Cavallo.

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