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WARREN KINSELLA TRIES BUT FAILS TO TONGUE-TIE GENE SIMMONS
In high school, I hated KISS. I loathed them. I despised them
with an intensity that adolescents reserve, well, for pretty much everything.
The origins of my KISS hatred were simple: they were
immensely popular. Therefore, ipso facto, KISS were the product of focus
groups, polling and shadowy backroom corporate manipulations. They were
talentless, made-up hacks who pandered to the lowest common denominator.
And then, about twenty years later, I met Gene Simmons
backstage in a Canada AM green room. I was there to participate
in a political panel, Gene was there to plug his new autobiography,
KISS and Make Up. While there, Gene hit on everything wearing
a skirt, and quite a few things that did not. He also talked. A lot.
I found myself laughing. A lot. He was surprisingly witty and clearly
intelligent.
A couple of years later, offered the chance to interview
Simmons, now out promoting his solo album, Asshole, I immediately
said yes. Using guile and dirty tricks, I would give him the most unpleasant
interview experience ever.
My Machiavellian plan: ask Gene Simmons twenty questions
about twenty unrelated subjects in rapid succession. Try and catch him
out. Fool him. Get him, ahem, tongue-tied.
Here are the results, with the naughty bits (and there
were plenty) edited out. Not all questions are reproduced here due to
space restrictions. The final score: Simmons 20, Kinsella 0.
1. GETTING ACQUAINTED
WK: I met you before in the green room at Canada AM. I
was listening to you talk. I thought, ‘This guy is smarter than
I thought.’
GS: You like men, don’t you?
2. ROCK’N’ROLL IQ QUIZ
WK: If you were marooned on an island, what ten records would
you bring with you?
GS: Something by Chilliwack. (laughs) These guys should
have been beaten up, very badly, not because they put out good music
or bad, but because they had the gall to call their band Chilliwack.
You deserve a good bitch-slapping for that.
3. GENE-O ON WACKO JACKO
WK: Is there anything complimentary that could be said about
Michael Jackson?
GS: I’ve got some great Michael Jackson jokes for you.
WK: I would like to hear one.
GS: Okay. Why are Michael’s pants always so short? (pause)
Because they’re not his pants!
4. TRICKY GREEK HISTORY QUESTION
WK: Okay, who won the battle of Thermopylae? [Battle between
the Persians and Greeks in 480 BC, in which a few dozen Spartans held
off thousands of Persian soldiers in a narrow passage in central Greece.
The Spartans eventually lost when a Greek traitor showed the invaders
an alternate route. – ed.]
GS: Very good. The Persians didn’t.
WK: They did.
GS: Eventually, yeah, but the one hundred or so Spartans held
them off in the first part of the battle.
WK [in awe]: God, you rock.
5. UNFAIR POLITICAL QUESTION
WK: Does Democratic presidential candidate John Kerry have any
realistic chance of winning any Southern electoral college votes?
GS: That’s a good question. I just want to say this for
the record: emotionally, ethically, morally, I side with [Kerry]. But
there is not a chance in hell I want him to be President. And I’ll
tell you why. I want a complete Rottweiler to be in charge of that country,
someone who is hated around the world, including in Canada. Because
in a time of war, when you’ve got maniacs willing to blow themselves
up to get at you, you need a madman in charge. A war president. The
worst thing for America, as far as I’m concerned, is to have someone
who is ethical and moral, like John Kerry, because he is going to want
to sit down and have a conversation with maniacs. Not good.
6. MANDATORY SEXUAL ESCAPADE QUESTION
WK: Name one starlet you did not bed, and regret missing the
opportunity.
GS: It was never starlets for me. It was always Sophia Loren.
You know, little girls, you give them a twirl. But there are very few
really seductive women, like Sophia Loren. I would do her now. I would
consider it a privilege. And I would be a stallion. I would do her proud.
WK: I see. What matters more to female passengers: the length
of the train or the amount of time it takes to get to the station?
GS: How much money you’ve got.
7. WHEN THE GREASEPAINT IS PUT AWAY AT DAY’S END
WK: When you are alone and you are in a big fancy hotel like
this one, do you ever jump on the bed a lot?
GS: I’m not alone much.
WK: Okay, with your friends. Do you all jump on the bed together?
GS: I don’t have friends.
8. CRUCIAL GREASEPAINT INQUIRY
WK: Was KISS’s decision to abandon the makeup in the early
1980s a cataclysmic marketing error?
GS: No.
WK: Was it on par with the Classic Coke controversy, or was it
a stroke of genius?
GS: Sometimes less is more.
WK: What do all those years of greasepaint do to one’s complexion?
GS: Richer. It’s a richer complexion. A lot goddamned richer
complexion. One hundred million richer.
9. KINSELLA BOOK RESEARCH DETOUR
WK: I’m writing a book on punk rock for Random House. Is
there anything culturally, politically or socially redeeming about punk
rock?
GS: Yes.
WK: Thank you.
10. BIG FINISH
WK: How did KISS get so frigging huge?
GS: You know the phrase – the harder I work, the luckier
I get. And it’s true. There is such a thing as luck and being at
the right place at the right time. But there is no substitute for hard
work. There is no substitute for showing up on time, doing the job that’s
supposed to be done. KISS did that.
WK: Alright, thank you, sir.
GS: ‘Asshole’ is a wonderful word. Use it often.
WK: I do already.
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